My Weird Stash of Random FMA Stories: Volume II
by daveypandas
Summary: This is my second stash. Here it comes. Like the first, these also aren't in any specific order.
1. A Presentation Gone Wrong

A/N: Hey. Guess what? Here comes the second installation to My Weird Stash of Random FMA Stories, so put on your seatbelts…um…whatever that means. Lol. Enjoy.

Disclaimer: I don't own FMA. Get it? Got it? Doubt it.

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**A Presentation Gone Wrong**

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Most of the afternoon, Ed paced around he and Al's dorm, worried about the upcoming military ceremony the next day; he had to give a speech. Al would say to the tense older brother, "Ed, everything's going to be a piece of cake. You'll do fine!"

However, Ed continued to worry even more, especially when he knew the entire military would be watching and expecting the young prodigy to have something wise and entertaining to say as a mature would present. It was no use; Ed lost plenty of sleep the rest of the night.

Early the next morning, both Ed and Al arrived in the State Headquarters where everyone was elegantly dressed.

Before the ceremony, Roy spotted Ed, nudged him in the arm, and said, "Hey, Fullmetal. Ready for your speech?" This worsened everything. Ed frowned at his superior, without giving a response.

Minutes passed; the higher class soldiers would give their speeches, soon the line shortened until it came down to Edward. He trembled at hearing his name as he stepped up on stage to give a speech and receive a small pin. The young alchemist looked below the podium out around the stage where the many eyes where on _him_.

_What do I say? What do I say? _he thought.

At that very moment, his mind completely emptied of all sanity and wit. His lips parted, as he began to say, "Hi. I'm Edward Elric. And I like nuts."

Suddenly, the whole place roared with laughter. Feeling extremely embarrassed and lightheaded, Ed quickly ran out of the room.

By far, that was probably Ed's _worst_ dream.

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A/N: Feel free to review. 


	2. Interruption

A/N: After a week of bumming around and swimming and walking a lot and eating out and touring and talking to drunk old guys, I'm back from the island. Lol. Here's another chapter.

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**Interruption**

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Havoc, Falman, Breda, Fuery, and Armstrong were huddled around a rectangular table like a bunch of ninnies, examining a small stack of reports the Colonel handed to them earlier that day. After a time passed of doing nothing but reading over, a tremendous _BLHART!_ filled the room, echoing off the walls and ceiling, followed by an awful stench.

Shocked, four of the five men raised their heads in alarm, eager to know who the fart came from. Breda, Falman, Fuery, and Havoc's eyes all darted toward the end of the table; they knew exactly who it was.

Armstrong.

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A/N: Feel free to review. 


	3. Gloves and Fireworks

A/N: My grandfather took me to buy a bunch of fireworks about a week before the Fourth of July, and I still have some left to shoot, which I am so looking forward to burning my foot like the time I did when I accidentally got gunpowder caught in my sandals… Blah. Never mind. Here's the next chapter.

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**Gloves and Fireworks**

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Ed walked into the Colonel's office carrying a large sack of cherry bombs, Roman candles, bottle rockets, and firecrackers under one arm – his free hand closing the door behind him. Distracted from his paperwork, Roy looked up to see the blonde standing before him.

"What do you want, Fullmetal?" Roy asked, twiddling with a pen as he curiously eyed the bag under Ed's arm.

The Fullmetal Alchemist replied, "I went to a fireworks stand and bought the best quality they had. Apparently, they didn't have what I needed."

Roy raised his eyebrows. "What do you need?"

"I…I need your gloves."

He frowned, which was followed by an odd, dangerous sort of silence. Soon, he barked, "Get your own gloves! I'm busy!"

"What if I want _your _gloves?"

"Why _my_ gloves?"

Ed grew quiet for a moment. Then, he said, "Because. Your gloves are better. Please?" He stuck out his lower lip and presented the Colonel an adorable and convincing sweet puppy dog face.

Much to his loss, Roy sighed. "Fine." He pulled both gloves off and threw them to Ed, who caught both with his free hand. "But I'm warning you: if those gloves come back with any flaws, rips, or stains, you're in big trouble."

As Ed sprinted out the door, he sarcastically muttered, "Thanks. I'll make sure they're nicely stained."

On the vacant shooting grounds while Ed waited for Al to arrive, he looked around to make sure nobody was around. Then, he took out Roy's gloves and gently pressed them against his face as he let a soft lovesick moan escape his lips. It was the only thing he had of the Colonel's, and he would cherish it for as long as he could.

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A/N: I heard that it's illegal to sell cherry bombs…but I think it's okay to save up gunpowder and make them if you go out in more rural areas, at least, that's what I'd like to do. Feel free to review. 


	4. Streaking, the Poem

A/N: Please excuse me for the long updates. I've been busy drawing and/or painting my ass off like I usually do, lol. Some of it's fanart on fanart-central, and the other is real-life portraits/ect. for money. If you want to see my fanart online, feel free to check my bio. It's on there somewhere. My originals don't go on the net.

…Sorry, off subject! ; Here's the update. It's an odd poem that I just made up at the last minute.

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**Streaking, the Poem**

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A bright sunny day.  
Light in the office.  
Boredom.  
A flick of a newspaper.  
The smoke of a cigarette.  
A yelp from outside.

A yelp from outside?

The twitch of an eyebrow.  
Crunching down the blinds.  
Peering beyond the window.  
A blonde boy.  
Waving his arms.  
Not one article on.  
Streaking outside.

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A/N: Feel free to review… 


	5. The Ultimate Nosebleed Stopper

A/N: Here's another chapter.

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**The Ultimate Nosebleed Stopper**

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As soon as Roy arrived in his office that morning, Hawkeye noticed there was something strange about him; he had tampons sticking out of both his nostrils, adding to the ludicrous air about him. Riza stayed silent, almost sure that Roy had a perfectly good explanation. But after another hour passed, she decided to ask.

"Sir, why do you have a tampon up your nose?"

"I have a nosebleed."

"Oh."

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A/N: lol. I hope you liked it. Feel free to review. 


	6. Wrecking Aroma

A/N: Please excuse the crude humor galore lately...Fart.

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**Wrecking Aroma**

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Archer and Kimbly were riding back from State Headquarters, determined to cover business which was miles away from where they already were, which was why they were both riding by car in the first place. It was a hot sunny day that day, and it was also Chili Lunch Special the State Headquarters' mess hall. Bad combination. And did I mention the car was kinda hot in the inside?

When they were only about a fourth of the way of their destination, a terrible scent filled the heated air, causing both men to irritably eye each other before rolling down all four windows.

"Damn!" Kimbly exclaimed. "Was that you?"

"It wasn't me. I hardly ever do that!" Archer replied with mild surprise.

Kimbly asked, "What do you do? Go to North City and blast off the Thanksgiving Day Parade?"

"So it was you."

"No it wasn't me."

"Just forget it."

"Fine."

Silence fell over the two men once again as they rolled the windows back up and continued to ride along down the road as if nothing ever happened…

But not too long afterward, another smell filled the air, and it was a lot worse than the last one. In fact, Archer, who was driving, was so grasped by the scent, it caused him to lose control of the steering wheel and swerve off the road, eventually wrecking into a wire fence. Both men emerged from the car in shock as they watched smoke bellowing out from the hood of the car. Then, they angrily gazed at each other.

Rest assured, one of them had done it, and they weren't going to find out so easily either. That's the reason why you should never eat a big bowl of chili before hitting the road.

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A/N: I know this old guy who actually did that and he stunk up the car all the way there. I'm not kidding. Feel free to review. 


	7. Cornrows

A/N: Blame the long updates on art and school. Blah. There. Said it.

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**Cornrows**

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Something felt very _funny_ when Greed walked into the Devil's Nest that day. Every man turned in their seats, beers in their hands, quietly eyeing the familiar homunculus, who now didn't look so familiar at all now. After surveying him for several minutes, the whole place of drunken outcasts had a rough time figuring out what it was.

Before one of the men opened up his mouth to ask, he hesitated, finally understanding what it was.

Greed had cornrows.

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A/N: lol. It was short, but oh well. Feel free to review. 


	8. Motorized Cart

A/N: Okay, I got this idea from when I went to the store the other day. You know those motorized carts where people who are too lazy to walk ride in? When no one was looking, I got in one of them, cranked up the speed, and sped down the isle. Now all I need is to get one of my friends to race against me, lol. Here's a bit of Jackass style FMA.

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**Motorized Cart**

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As soon as Ed and Al arrived at the downtown hardware store, there were hardly any customers, giving Ed the perfect opportunity – the perfect opportunity to hijack a cart. It was no ordinary cart. Even better, it was a cart with a motor.

While Ed was making sure that nobody was watching, Al virtuously suggested, "Brother, I don't think we should be doing this. It's stealing."

"Al, come on! Live a little. Besides, I'm _borrowing_ it, not _stealing_ it," Ed argued.

Alphonse decided to keep quiet, since he knew that Edward wouldn't change his mind once he's got it set on something. Of course, Ed has done many stupid things along the line, but so far, this was probably one of the stupidest things he's ever attempted.

When nobody was looking, Ed quickly hopped into the cart and cranked the battery. "Al, stay here okay?" he said before speeding off.

"Wait!" Al called after him, but Ed was already out of the store, speeding on a cart down the sidewalk.

The store manager caught a glimpse of the young State Alchemist speeding downtown in one of his carts, and without taking any notice to Al, he quickly abandoned the store to pursue Ed, who was having the time of his life as he swiftly moved along the sidewalk ecstatically. Embarrassed, Al groaned with dread as he covered his armored head in his hands. Ed happily sped down the street, glad to at least have _somebody_ to aggravate.

Not long after, a small angry mob formed, all chasing after Ed, screaming, "Stop thief! Stop thief!" Ed just shot them a sly grin before continuing to dodge at full speed. Finally, after going through several fluke shortcuts, the young blonde male suddenly became distracted and crashed into a large wagon overflowing with heads of cabbage. Ed nimbly pulled himself up and ran for his life, following him an angry mob of city folk.

Now he was sure that the Colonel was eventually going to find out and burn his ass for good.

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A/N: Poor cabbage. It's always the cabbage. Feel free to review. 


	9. Barney, or Mr Rodgers?

A/N: This drabble is based on a game that me and a couple chums like to play during lunch. And when it was this dude's turn to ask a question, he asked the best one I've heard all week. And therefore, that's what I named this chapter after. Enjoy.

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**Barney…or Mr. Rodgers?**

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During break, Havoc, Fuery, Breda, Hughes, and Roy were playing a leisurely game of truth, where they each take turns asking questions, and everyone has to answer each question, also known as, the Question Game.

"Is it my turn?" Havoc asked.

"Yeah. Hurry up and get it over with," Breda replied.

Havoc probably chose the most common question asked. "Okay, okay…um…uh…have any of you gotten laid before? If so, raise your hand."

Every single one of the guys' hands shot up quickly, well, everyone except Fuery's… When all the guys stared at Fuery, Fuery simply shrugged, his face a lonely expression.

"Who's turn is it now?"

"Hughes's turn," Roy answered.

The men all leaned closer to Hughes, curios of what an engaged man could possibly come up with in a split moment. Hughes grinned before he asked, "Who would you rather get raped by: Barney, or Mr. Rodgers?"

For a strange reason, they all picked Mr. Rodgers.

Who would blame them?

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A/N: I bet it would be hilarious to hear Mr. Rodgers talk dirty, since he's just an old cussless creampuff. Feel free to review.


	10. Grapes

A/N: I dedicate this story to my good friend, lemony-snicket for giving me this idea (based on his true story). Thanks, dude. And I also pause to thank my readers and reviewers… On with the drabble.

Note: Don't try this at home.

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**Grapes**

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While Edward was waiting around in the lounge, he just so happened to spot a huge bowl of large, fresh purple grapes. They looked very tasty, so Ed ate them.

Grape after grape, Ed felt a fuzzy warm feeling in his stomach. It wasn't the bad feeling; it had a merry sprig as he finished the entire bowl. However, Ed knew that something wasn't right when he stumbled around and felt his mind begin to spin. He decided to look around for one of the familiar military personnel, but it seemed everyone was busy that day.

Stumbling down the vacant hallways, Ed searched for Al; Al wasn't anywhere near. After unsteadily (and drunkenly) walking all around the State Headquarters, Ed paused to see Colonel Mustang, staring at him with a grin of amusement on his face. Ed hadn't realized that the Colonel watched him for this long.

"What the hell are you smiling about?" Ed asked him.

"Were you _stumbling_, Fullmetal?"

"I was pretending to be a chicken on one leg," Ed sarcastically muttered.

"Have you been drinking?"

"No…I think I ate too many grapes…"

"How many did you eat?"

Ed hiccupped before grinning, "I ate the entire bowl."

Roy covered his forehead with his hand to show a mild sense of devastation. "Well I wonder what the hell I'm going to do with a drunken subordinate on my hands! …I've got paperwork to do, so you can lie on the couch where I can keep my eye on you."

"Good."

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A/N: Feel free to review.


	11. Intoxicated Part 2

A/N: From the first stash, do you remember Roy x a cop- Intoxicated? This is part two of it, based on a true story.

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**Intoxicated Part 2**

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It was obvious that Roy hadn't learned anything from the last time he was pulled over by a city cop for DUI; after swaying on the road for about a couple miles, a large female cop had pulled him over and had him standing next to his car.

She asked him, "Have you been drinking?"

"No," Roy lied.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

The female cop asked him to say the ABC's backwards – amazingly, Roy succeeded. Next, she had him walk in a straight line – he succeeded once again.

Finally, the cop demonstrated for him a couple rhythmic steps and asked him to do what she did. Roy nodded and began doing them. As he was turning back to continue to steps, he said, "No, you do it like this," and he jigged back down the line with a big cowboy style "Yeehaw!"

Amazed, the cop clapped her hands. "Wow! Are you a dancer?" she asked Roy.

A lopsided grin spread on Roy's face. "No ma'am," he replied, "I'm just drunk."

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A/N: Feel free to review.


	12. On Behalf of Maria

A/N: If you haven't read the FMA manga vol. 9, then I advise you not to read this. CONTAINS SPOILERS! By the way, it's kind of a parody based on a scene from The Godfather, so all due disclaimers on that part.

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**On Behalf of Maria**

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News spread like wildfire around the entire country of Amestris about Maria's life made short by the gloved hand of Colonel Roy Mustang on her prison break. Once her family heard what had happened, they broke out into grief and mourning, knowing the girl was innocent all along. It was obvious how many people were hurt or confused, but who it really affected the most was Santino, Maria's older brother.

Santino knew exactly who it was as headlines made their way into the country, and his anger was overflowing the bottle; one day, the cork popped.

As Roy Mustang was walking on his way back to work from lunch break, without realizing what was happening, felt many strong blows on his head and abdomen, then he soon found himself kissing the rough concrete hurled up in a ball as more blows came toward him at the random. No matter how hard he tried, he could not make out the face of the man who was beating him to a pulp. The blows were so hard; it caused Roy to roll onto the wet road under a broken fire hydrant. Santino spat and gave him a nice good kick before leaving. Poor Roy Mustang was in the hospital for nearly two months afterwards. After spending time in the hospital with nothing to do but stare at walls all day long, he decided that it would be best if he resigned from the military.

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A/N: Feel free to review.


	13. A Stupid Thing to Say

A/N: Mmmm…ravioli…

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**A Stupid Thing to Say**

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Roy Mustang was leaned back in his chair, idly flipping through the daily newspaper. Havoc stood beside him, reading an extra juicy piece of info.

The moment of long silence was broken by the sound of Havoc's voice. "Sir?"

"Hmm?" Roy grunted, his eyes still on his own paper.

"I just thought of something."

"…And what could that be?"

"...I don't think I ought to read the news anymore. In fact, I shouldn't even bother to buy a newspaper." Havoc flicked his cigarette above the desk ashtray.

"How come?"

"Well, I think that the lead guy who does the city newspaper is in a mob – a hillbilly mob."

Roy paused; he lowered his newspaper and peered at Havoc for a minute or two very observantly. "What have you been smoking?" he slowly asked.

Havoc raised his eyebrows. "Nothing, sir. What do you _mean_ what have _I_ been smoking?"

"Whatever it is, it's definitely working," Roy mumbled, allowing his attention to shift back to the newspaper.

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A/N: Feel free to review.


	14. Baldness Compliment

A/N: My imagination has just started to spin even faster, which means more updates.

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**Baldness Compliment**

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Both Falman and Armstrong were quietly sitting at the lunch table, attention focused on their meals without one word exchanged the whole time. Falman was pondering on something to say, since he knew Armstrong usually wasn't this quiet. Maybe Armstrong was thinking the same thing?

Falman didn't want to sound rude, so he thought, _I should compliment…yeah. That' s it. I'll start a good conversation with a compliment. _

"So, Armstrong?"

Armstrong raised his head. "Yes, Officer Falman?"

Without thinking, the compliment he wanted to say didn't turn out the way he wanted it to be as the words jumbled out and rang through his own ears, "Your head – it's smoother than my wife's bottom."

For a second, Armstrong looked appalled. Then, he said, "Officer, you don't have a wife."

"Oh…I don't, do I? …Never mind."

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A/N: Based on a true story. Feel free to review. 


	15. Tape Recorder

A/N: I like nuts.

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**Tape Recorder**

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In a large, dark abandoned office at the top of the State Headquarters building, the Furher was huddled in the far corner with his face to the wall, playing with a tape recorder. For some time, he continued to mumble random things as he recorded them, only to stop the tape and play them over and over again… He laughed at it. Afterwards, he continued to add to the strange sounds and words to the recorder as he had just done a moment ago.

A door opened, and King Bradley looked up from what he was doing, out of distraction… It was an unfortunate second and a very wrong timing for Maes Hughes to coincidentally walk in on Bradley, just as the tape was playing, "_My ass, my ass, my, ass, my ass_…"

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A/N: Me and my brother Al (Yes, his real name starts with Al. Isn't that a coincidence?) used to do this fake radio show when we were little with a tape recorder. That kind of gave me an idea for this story. Feel free to review.


	16. Cherry Pie

A/N: I have no idea where I even got the idea for this chapter. It just popped up randomly.

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**Cherry Pie**

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The sound of Havoc's wild ecstatic moans rang through the entire mess hall as heads turned to see what all the racket was about. All by himself at a section of a table in the center of the cafeteria seated Lieutenant Jean Havoc, madly shaking his head to and fro as he let out orgasmic screams, a plate of cherry pie in front of him. Nobody in the hall dared to disturb this mad man, until Colonel Roy Mustang and several of his subordinates burst through those doors in a very strict and questionable manner.

"Lieutenant! What is the meaning of this?" Roy barked.

Havoc stopped right in the middle of it, and successfully collecting himself from the fit, replied, "…Colonel, you _have_ to try this." He shoved a spoon of a half-eaten bite of cherry pie goodness in Roy's face.

Roy tried to avoid taking a bite, but when a dab of the pie stuck itself to Roy's bottom lip, he couldn't resist anymore. In the process of trying to lick the pie from his lips, the Colonel himself fell to the ground and started rolling as he screamed, "Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! _Yes_!"

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A/N: Feel free to review… 


	17. Suspicion

A/N: I can't really update any of the other stories due to technical difficulties and the use of another computer. All due apologies.

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In a dimmed office, his black eyes glimmered as he raised a bag of what appeared to contain a green that-which-mustn't-be-mentioned inside of it. Sitting nervously at eye level with the bag was the famous Edward Elric.

"Colonel, I don't know what you're talking about… Can I go now?" He shifted uncomfortably at the situation. Ed's attitude was different now that everything seemed more serious than it ever would.

Mustang shook his head. "No, you may not until you tell me the truth." He lightly shook the bag as he said, "One of the military personnel found this in your locker. _Explain_."

"It's not mine. I don't even know how it got into my locker, okay?"

"Don't play dumb with me, Fullmetal. _This_ is what can get you kicked out of the military!"

"I've already told you once, you bastard! It's – Not – Mine!" Ed retorted.

Just as Roy was going to advance to him in a harsh way, the door swung wide open, distracting them both. In the doorway stood Jean Havoc; he was stopping for breath.

"What do you want, Lieutenant?" Roy asked.

"Just…looking…for…" Havoc panted as his eyes settled on the bag of weed; he pointed his finger at Roy and gasped with pure awe, "…th-that's mine…!"

Dumbstruck, Roy turned to Ed, "Well, Fullmetal, I guess you can go now..."

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A/N: Crazy Havoc. He squealed on himself. shakes head Feel free to review. 


	18. Winry's Switched Experience

A/N: This chapter's a little longer, but it's worth it. If you are a Ed and Winry pairing fan, please read with caution or don't read at all.

Note: Me and these dudes at lunch were joking around about prep girls (no offense, really) about what would happen if Nature's Law collapsed and they were gender switched for one day. What this one dude said really had me rolling with laughter…as you'll find out in this story.

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It started in the middle of a half-serious argument between Ed and Winry. Half-serious like Ed not serious and Winry, well, very serious. After a long dramatized moment of silence, a statement was said that changed it all.

"Listen Winry, being a guy is a lot harder than you think. Please take my word for it. You don't even know what I'm going through right now."

She put her hands on her hips. "What you're going through? Pfft! Ed, you're such an idiot. Why don't you prove it!"

"Prove it?"

"Yeah, prove it right here, right now!"

A thought came to Ed's mind; a mischievous grin spread across his face. "Fine." He clapped his hands and set them on the ground. Then came a circle of bright blue light, which surrounded the (now slightly frightened) mechanic. Several minutes later, the blue light descended, revealing Ed's artful achievement – a gender-switched Winry.

She looked the same as before, except her bosom was reduced and…you know, down there…

Winry looked at Ed's workmanship, angry with shock. "Edward! What did you do to me?"

"You told me to prove it, so…I guess you can find out what being a guy is like," Ed snorted between breaths, for he had a hard time retaining his laughter.

"Okay," Winry sighed, "You win. But please, change me back?"

"All right. Here I go."

Just as Ed's hands were inches away from clapping together, Pinako ran into the room as fast as her little pins could carry her, saying, "Ed! Colonel Mustang wants to speak with you! It's urgent!"

"He's on the phone?"

"What else?"

"I'll be right there!" Forgetting about what he was in the middle of fixing, the Fullmetal Alchemist sped out of the room to get the phone; Winry and Pinako walked behind to see what was going on.

"Ed?" Roy's voice came onto the receiver.

"What is it this time?"

"I have no time to explain. I want you to leave Risembol and pick up a train to Central immediately! No questions!"

"Okay…Is Al okay?" Ed asked as Roy hung up. He had no choice but to do what Roy told him, since it could effect everything. The boy quickly grabbed his suitcase while saying to Winry and Pinako, "I'm really sorry, but I have to go! Al's in Central, things are going on there that I don't know about, and-"

"What about me, Ed?" Winry desperately asked.

"I'm sorry, Winry!" Ed yelled as he ran out the door.

Winry screamed out to him, but it was too late… Until Ed returned, she was stuck in an uncomfortable and unfamiliar gender.

"You seem a little different now. Did something happen?" Pinako commented. She began to lay the table out for supper.

"It's nothing," Winry lied and topped it with a smile. "Uh, granny? I just remembered – I've got to finish that automail I started!"

"You'd better get to it. That gentleman is coming by early tomorrow."

"Yes, granny." Winry then rushed upstairs into the workroom, where she had plenty of privacy to think things out and finish the automail.

The young mechanic soon became too occupied to have room for thoughts. After working every thirty minutes, she'd stop to criticize her work. Many hours passed by along with successful progress; Winry wasn't finished until four o'clock in the morning. Sore from all over, the girl eventually retired to bed.

A couple hours later, there was a loud knock on the door; Pinako answered it, "Hello, gentlemen. Here to pick up your automail?"

There were two very young men standing in the doorway: one had blonde hair and wore a pinstripe fedora; the other one was a bit chummy, had short, black hair and wore a gray hat.

"We are," answered the blonde one.

"No need to stand there, then. Come on inside." Pinako bade both men to come in, hoping that Winry had the automail completely finished.

Meanwhile, Winry noticed something was strange at six o'clock…something was sticking up, very straight. She got out of bed to make sure it wasn't the bed covers playing tricks with her eyes…but it wasn't! It was in the crotch area of her britches! The poor girl tried to push it down, but she couldn't, which made her come to a full conclusion: her shorts were haunted. There she was, running around the entire house and screaming, "Aaaiiiieeeeeee! My shorts are haunted! My shorts are haunted! My shorts are haunted!"

…Let's just say that the two men laughed so hard, it kicked them out of Risembol without the machine gun automail they wanted so much…

...Pinako found out the truth...

…As for poor Winry, she suffered more embarrassment than she could endure…and Ed never returned yet…

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A/N: Feel free to review. Flamers will be used as targets and punching bags and shooting grounds. 


	19. On Behalf of Maria Part II

A/N: I haven't been updating at all lately, and it's hard to find time at all anymore. I don't even know when I can update again until summer, just to inform. Hopefully, one day I can catch up on the rest of the stories. Now, onto this one…contains more spoilers…

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**On Behalf of Maria – Part II**

Soon after his attack on the Flame Alchemist, Santino decided to start a new life in the east. There past the border, he was shocked to find his supposed-to-be-dead sister alive! When she told him what really happened, a bolt of regret struck him in the gut.

Colonel Mustang was alone, sitting in his living room, having a chug of whiskey when all of a sudden, the window shattered! A familiarly intimidating figure revealed itself, to Roy as he stood back in horror. Santino. Roy was about to attack, but Santino moved forward and gently put a finger to Roy's lip. Then, he leaned in and gave Roy a subtle kiss before returning back out the window from where he came.

The poor colonel just stood there, confused.

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A/N: Feel free to review.


	20. Keep it Gay

A/N: The Producers is awesome, so I thought it'd be great to do a mini-musical with FMA singing one of the songs.

Disclaimer: I don't own The Producers or "Keep it Gay", okay?

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**Keep it Gay**

Colonel Roy Mustang was putting away paperwork until he was distracted by what sounded like somebody singing. He put down his paperwork and quietly crept down the hallway from where the singing was coming from. There in the lounge was Alex Louis Armstrong himself, singing such an odd tune! Ed, Al, and Havoc were casually having a cup of mocha.

He paused when he saw the Colonel enter, but then he warmly smiled when he saw Roy smiling. Ed stood up and began to sing.

Ed: Listen, Roy, did you get a chance yet to read my report?  
Roy: Read it? I devoured it! I for one, for instance, never realized that the Third Reich meant Germany.

Ed: Yeah, how 'bout that? Then you'll do it?

Roy: Do it? Of course not. It's not my kind of thing. I mean, Ed, please? World War II? Ooh, to dark, too depressing…The theatre's so obsessed with dramas so depressed. It's hard to sell a ticket on Broadway. Shows should be more pretty. Shows should be more witty. Shows should be more... What's the word?

Al: Gay?

Roy: Exactly! No matter what you do on the stage, keep it light, keep it bright, keep it gay! Whether it's murder, mayhem or rage, don't complain, it's a pain. Keep it gay!

Havoc: People want laughter when they see a show. The last thing they're after's a litany of woe.  
Roy & Havoc: A happy ending will pep up your day...  
Roy: Oedipus won't bomb...  
Havoc: If he winds up with Mom! Keep it gay!  
Roy: Keep it gay...  
Roy & Havoc: Keep it gay!

Ed: Couldn't agree with you more. And you have our blessings, Roy, to make my report just as gay as anyone could possibly want. So, c'mon, do it for us, please.

Roy: No, sorry, Ed, but it's simply not my cup of tea. Still, fair is fair, perhaps I should ask my subordinates what they think.

Ed: Your subordinates?

Roy: Yeah. They all live here. Guys! Come say hello to Ed and Al Elric! (a bunch of men and one woman run into the room) This is my set designer, Breda.

Breda: Keep it mad, keep it glad, keep it gay!  
Roy: And here's my costume designer, Fuery.  
Fuery: Hello...Keep it happy, keep it snappy, keep it gay!  
Breda and Fuery: We're clever, creative. It's our job to see that everything's perfect for Mr. Mustang!

Roy: Next, Armstrong, my choreographer...  
Armstrong: Hi there! (dances down the stairs)  
Roy: And, ah, finally, last and least, my lighting designer, Riza Hawkeye.

Riza: Keep it gay, keep it gay, keep it gay…

All: Keep it gay!

Furher King Bradley stuck his head in the room. "For goodness sake, men, get back to work! …Keep it gay!"

* * *

A/N: Feel free to review. 


	21. Sundae

A/N: I've decided that it's now a good time to do a drabble for the movie, so here it is. If you don't like yaoi, don't read. But if you do…now then…

* * *

**Sundae**

* * *

It hasn't been three weeks when Edward and Alphonse Heiderich began living together, due to their deep interest and curiosity of rocket science, when Edward had discovered that Alphonse was getting to be a real lady's man. In a way, it made the young alchemist jealous, not because of Heiderich's liking for girls, but because – he didn't want to admit – he had grown a liking to Heiderich himself.

All thanks to that sundae Alphonse had whipped up about a week ago…

Edward's cheeks were red with excitement (and stung by the cold wind) when he ran back to he and Alphonse's place in that cooling German afternoon. He knew he was running a little later than usual, but maybe Alphonse wouldn't mind. Who _would_ mind when you were just offered a promotion in the rocket business? The thought merely excited him, and Edward couldn't wait to get back and tell all about it.

He slung the wooden creaky door wide open and joyously slammed it behind him. Very quickly, Edward took off his gloves and coat, and at the same time, yelling, "Alphonse? Alphonse! Guess what?-"

The young blonde stopped abruptly when he reached the living room – there sitting on the couch in front of him was a cute, small-framed girl with honey-brown cork curls nervously looking up at him. She appeared to be no older than Heiderich.

"Um…" She nervously looked between his way and back to the doorway behind her. "Did I come at the wrong time?"

Edward scratched his head, not knowing what to say. "Do I know you?"

The girl blushed, stood up, and bundled up what appeared to be her fur coat up in her arms. "Well, if you two are busy, then…I'd better leave…"

Ed's eyebrows molded together in a confused glance. He mumbled, "You don't _have_ to leave if you don't _want_ to…" He didn't know what to say to her, partially due to the fact that he didn't even know who she was.

There was a small awkward silence between the two, and she finally weaved her way past Edward saying, "Just tell Alphonse that it would be better if we saw other people, you know…" Then, she left.

Not knowing what to think, Edward decided it was probably better to just let it go. He landed himself on the couch and massaged his forehead with the tips of his fingers to relieve stress and get the thought of him getting a promotion back. While he was waiting, he heard Alphonse come into the room announcing, "Are you ready, baby? I've got something really special whipped up!"

Ed paused. "What the hell are you talking about?" He opened his eyes and saw Alphonse standing in the doorway wide open in the nude, only covered with whipped cream on his private cargo, along with some on his chest with a cherry on each nipple.

When Alphonse saw that nobody else but Edward was in the room, his face grew completely red, and he quickly crossed his arms over everything in slight panic. "Edward! I-" Then, he meekly asked, "Where did she go?"

Edward shrugged. "As soon as I came in, she left. I don't think I ought to tell you what she said though."

"You mean, she?"

"Yeah…she broke up with you…I'm sorry about that." Edward slightly smiled. "At least she didn't lick you and then break-up with you," he suggested.

Alphonse flushed again and said, "You don't have to apologize. I'd better get cleaned up…" He turned around.

Edward grabbed his arm. "Wait."

"What is it?"

He paused for a moment, then slowly eyed Heiderich from top to bottom. "You know you're wasting some good whipped cream, right?"

"Yeah."

"I'm getting promoted tomorrow…We can…you know…kinda celebrate it?"

Alphonse Heiderich's face lit up. "That's wonderful, Edward!" He looked down. "Uh, do you want to start now?"

Edward grinned and licked his lips. "_Love_ to."


	22. Berries 'N Cream

A/N: I've finally had a little time on my hands to work on things now, so hurrah!

* * *

The Colonel must've been really high that day. There he was, dressed in a shoulder-length straight, black wig and some kind of pilgrim/leprechaun suit. Ed and Al just happened to be hanging out outside the building, under some kind of shade, in possession of a small, flavorful package of the new Starburst.

Roy approached them and asked, "Is that the new Starburst: Berries and Cream?"

"Duh?" Ed mumbled. A strange look swept his face. He was afraid the Colonel might have gone mad and lost his mind completely.

Excited all of a sudden, Roy danced, sang, and clapped his hands hysterically, "BERRIES 'N CREAM! BERRIES 'N CREAM! BERRIES 'N CREAM! Berries – and _crreeeaam_!" He shook his hands in a very showbiz manner at the last word.

The two boys were wide-eyed and speechless. Ed grabbed Al and they both sped out of there.


	23. The Question

A/N: Here's a chapter fresh from the oven.

* * *

**The Question**

"Hey, Colonel."

"Hmm?" Roy grunted, his eyes glued to the unfolded, gray paper in front of him.

"I have a question."

He suspiciously peered his dark eyes over, however, the daily news continued to barricade in between. "Huh?"

"I'm serious!" Ed's face grew bright red.

Surprised by the Fullmetal Alchemist's eager expression, Roy flopped the newspaper down and crossed his arms. "All right, Ed. You now have my full attention. What were you going to ask me?"

At first, he hesitated before he asked, "Will you marry me?"

The colonel casually lifted the news, covering his entire face as he did before. "No."

* * *


	24. The Artful Alchemist

A/N: This chapter contains a mild to moderate drug reference, so I wanted to warn you of that ahead of time.

* * *

Ed froze when he saw Roy in the doorway; after rummaging through odds and ends of small supplies and paperclips, he abruptly shoved the drawer back in place.

The Colonel raised an eyebrow. "Why were you digging in my desk, Fullmetal?"

"I was looking for some gum," Ed replied.

"If you wanted gum, then why didn't you ask me?"

Ed shrugged.

"Next time, please ask, okay?" Roy dug a small package of gum from his side pocket, and tossed it to Ed.

"Thanks," Ed mumbled. "I'll ask next time." The young alchemist walked out of the office.

Roy heaved a heavy sigh before reclining in his desk chair. He couldn't recline though, since he was a little suspicious. Ed never chewed gum, at least, not that he knew of. Just for the heck of it, he decided to give it a peek anyway. The Colonel pulled the drawer open and surveyed all of its contents with his dark, sharp eyes.

His face molded into a frown.

"_Damn_…," he muttered under his breath. _My weed is gone!_


	25. Bradley Tongue Twister

A/N: Bradley is crazy…

* * *

**Bradley Tongue-Twister**

Scar leaned against the damp concrete wall, head drooping onto his chest, left arm severed, wrapped in nothing but blood and cold, rusty iron chains.

Death row.

A nervous-looking young guard entered the room, followed by the Furher himself. Scar clenched his teeth and growled under his breath.

"Beautiful day, isn't it?" Bradley asked.

There was no reply.

"I have something to share with you, Scar, and it is appropriate that I say so now. And since my wife and kids are on vacation, and there's the fact that no one wants to hear my poetry, since you are constrained, you shall have to listen. Listen well because it's fast. Here goes:

"_To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock in a pestilential prison with a life-long lock awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock of the chippy, chippy chopper on a big, black block. A what? A big, black block._"

Scar stared at him coldly and finally responded. "You suck."


	26. Racism

A/N: Racism is confusing. However, the issue, **not** the race, can be hilarious. At least, it is to me, but I'm colorblind, so what do I know? Lol.

* * *

Falman and Breda were in the lounge, debating over senseless topics as usual. Today's topic: racism. 

"Racism is wrong. Period," said Breda.

"I don't know. Personally, I think it's wrong, but the issue is funny."

"What are you talking about? Racism is a serious topic."

"It depends," Falman said. "For example: Have you ever heard two people talking, and one says to the other 'Dude! That is _so_ racist!', and they get into a big argument over it while the race of the person they were talking about is sitting there laughing at them both?"

All was still.

"You know what? I have no earthly idea what you just said…" Breda spoke. "However, I really wanted to after hearing the last part…"

Falman put his hands over his eyes and groaned, "Oh brother…"

* * *

A/N: You might have to read Falman's explanation twice to get it, lol. 


	27. Paperwork

A/N: Has anyone seen the previews for the new Batman movie coming out this summer? They're pretty awesome, even though I think batman is sort of gay.

* * *

"So Colonel, why'd you call me in for?" Ed asked as he made himself comfortable on one of Roy's leather sofas. "You feel like abusing me today?"

Roy frowned. "What makes you think that?"

Ed glared at him.

"No, Ed, as a matter of fact I'm _not_ going to abuse you." He sighed. "But I do need to give you this stack of paperwork to fill out."

"You're serious?"

The Colonel grew quiet, pulled out a file, and gave it to the boy. Ed quickly jerked the stack of papers out of Roy's hand. Then, he made a butt-wiping notion before crumpling up and throwing them on the floor.

"That's what I think of your stupid paperwork."

* * *

A/N: Feel free to review. 


	28. Reincarnation

A/N: I got the idea for this chapter from the comedian Jeff Dunham and his puppet Walter. Enjoy.

* * *

On a very lazy day at Headquarters, Roy lounged in his office, alone, feet on the desk, buried under a fresh, crisp sheet of newspaper. He was thoroughly in the moment until he heard footsteps coming into his office; the Colonel didn't budge.

"Hey, Sir, I need your opinion on something."

"What is it, Havoc?"

"It's not that important of an issue, but there was this book I was reading – Fuery lent it to me – about reincarnation."

"Get out, Havoc. I don't have time for that junk." Roy motioned him away with his hand.

"No, wait…I meant to ask….Sir, if you were reincarnated, what would you come back as?"

The Colonel finally peered out from behind the paper. He smiled. "Well, that's easy," he said before suddenly frowning. "I would come back as Jean Havoc or Edward Elric and leave me the hell _alone_!"

"Sheesh…" Havoc muttered as he side-stepped out of the office.

* * *

A/N: Feel free to review. 


	29. Brownies

A/N: I warn you; this has a dirty joke in it.

* * *

**Brownies**

* * *

Roy Mustang noticed how everyone in the office just suddenly disappeared, including his most loyal subordinate, Riza Hawkeye. He sighed. I _guess I'll have to find them all. _

When he made his way into the lobby, the lobby was so packed he could barely get in. At least he could spot the majority of his workers; not only did he find his workers, but in the dead center of the room was a giant plate of fresh-baked brownies. How _irritating_.

"Okay! Everybody, get out! Back to the office! Now!" He pointed out. A frown was carved deep into his face.

One by one, his own workers, followed by some frightened bystanders, left the lobby, except Edward and Alphonse Elric, who were back after completing a report.

Roy sighed once again in frustration and shook his head. "You two can stay as long as you clean up the mess." He turned to leave.

"Wait, Colonel!" Ed said.

"_What_?"

"Don't you want a brownie? They're really good, and Armstrong made them."

"No. It got me kicked out of boy scouts."

"What did?" Al asked.

"Eating brownies."

* * *

A/N: Get it? lol. Feel free to review.


End file.
